The no-regrets bidet checklist

Here's the thing I've learned from being, yes, the bidet guy: most bad bidet purchases aren't actually bad products. They're the right product bought for the wrong bathroom. So here's the short list I run through before I recommend anything to anybody. Run through it yourself before you click buy and you'll save yourself a sad little trip to the post office.

Measure before you fall in love

The single most returned bidet is the one that didn't fit. Don't be that person (I have been that person). Before anything else:

• Round vs. elongated toilet. Seats are sold for one or the other. Attachments are more forgiving, but still check.
• Space behind the seat. Attachments mount between the seat and bowl. If your tank sits unusually close, measure the gap.
• The mounting holes. Two-piece toilets are the easy case. One-piece and skirted designs are where "universal fit" quietly stops being universal.

Two minutes with a tape measure beats a week of return-shipping a toilet seat. I promise the tape measure is more fun.

Decide the outlet question early

This is the fork in the road that decides half the price:

• No outlet near the toilet? You're in non-electric territory: fresh-water attachments and seats. Nothing wrong with that. It's honestly where most people should start anyway.
• Have an outlet, or willing to add one? Now warm water, heated seats, and dryers are on the table. Just know that "near the toilet" usually means within about three feet, and bathrooms are not generous with outlets.

If you're renting, assume you can't add an outlet and shop accordingly. Your landlord is not going to be charmed by a fresh hole in the wall.

Read the one-star reviews, not the five-star ones

Five-star reviews tell you it works. Great, thanks. One-star reviews tell you how it fails, which is the part you actually need:

• Leaks at the T-valve connection (usually install, sometimes the part).
• Brittle plastic on the adjustment knob.
• Nozzles that drift out of alignment over time.

If the same complaint shows up across dozens of reviews, that's a pattern. If it shows up once, that's a Tuesday.

Know your exit before you enter

This one's mostly for my fellow renters: can you take it off cleanly? A good attachment comes off in a couple of minutes and leaves nothing behind. Anything that needs drilling or permanent plumbing changes is a different level of commitment. Fine for a home you own. A genuine problem for a security deposit.

The actual checklist

1. Measured the toilet (shape, gap, mounting).
2. Settled the outlet question.
3. Read the one-star reviews for recurring complaints.
4. Confirmed it comes off cleanly if I need it to.
5. Checked the price today, not the price the article was written for.

Do those five and you've knocked out nearly every reason people end up regretting the purchase. The bidet itself, genuinely, is the easy part.